New beginnings

& a little sad tale about where it all began.

Hello you!

It’s feeling like summer has finally ended and i’ve got a bit of a back to school feel.

It’s got me thinking about new beginnings. In my business, things haven’t been feeling so aligned for a while now so i’ve been working with the stunning-est sweetest girl and artist extraordinaire

Molly Martin - In the Studio

to reimagine my logo!

The figures are ambiguous in their gender. They play with something, a piece of fabric maybe? They are connected and interwoven. They are using their hands. They embody process and community and vulnerability. Molly took reference from ancient greek sculptures which I feel makes the image classic and a bit timeless . In it’s simplicity there is so much room to go into other projects - which I hope to do soon, my brain is bubbling with ideas.

I wanted the logo to represent how important the process of making is to my brand. It can be quite isolating running a business by yourself and when sales don’t correlate to how you’re being perceived from the outside, I think I need to remind myself how much the making part is so valuable to me - so i’m going to do that by telling the sad tale of why I started making underwear.

»I read this post by

mimi zhu

‘s instagram today and it got me thinking about how to remind myself of the creative journey and not the destination. I think this blog is part of that. «

Ok be *warned* for a bit of sob sob cry cry story but also a maybe (eek, hopefully) an empowering one.

Eight and a half years ago my dad killed himself. (I never know how to say that/write that. Suicide is such a weird one - committed suicide is like its a sin or whatever. Died by suicide feels a bit made up. So i’ve been going for killed himself for the past few years and it’s working for me right now - it feels right.)

I was so young. I was 21. At the time I was studying Anthropology at Sussex University in Brighton. The week it happened was Easter half term, I had just got back from a weekend up north with my boyfriend of the time, where I spent Easter weekend at his families house. It was my first holiday away from home and it was a relatively new relationship, so it was particularly strange I wasn’t at home eek big girl! But I was back in London and then my whole world changed in one afternoon.

It’s so strange to think about it, but what I remember so vividly from that day is what I was wearing. I was wearing a bizarre purple mohair (but the synthetic kind) short-sleeve-button-up-cardigan. It was so purple like fake grape flavour colour. And a high waisted (also polyester as fuq) paisley patterned skirt?? It was a very gross outfit and i’m glad i’ve since then developed my own personal style. I am humbled to know I had my bad hair/ bad fashion days. I’m always slightly suspicious of people who’ve had their ‘style’ since they were a teenager. If you didn’t have a bad emo/hippy/questionable hair-do in your youth then you’re pretentious. Not really, I’m joking and obviously jealous.

Anyway, I dropped out of uni. I couldn’t read or write or concentrate anymore. At the time I was really into lingerie, but couldn’t afford any. So I decided to try and make it myself.

I think it went hand in hand with the feeling of embodiment that I spoke about in this previous post about PhotoBooth. Going out dancing and having sex were my tools to escape the fog of PTSD brain. There was so much freedom that playing dress up gave me. I became a character. Someone who wasn’t all sad and depressed and didn’t have my best friend anymore. It was really a playful thing and full of joy!

Nowadays its become to part of my routine - each day I put on a set of underwear that I’ve made myself and it makes me feel strong and cute and sexy and accomplished. It’s not for anyone else. I’m the first person to see myself in the morning in it and the last person at night. My bestest girlipops Con used to laugh at me when I said everything was an outfit. Hehe I really do believe that - even your pants are an outfit - you are telling the world something about you in everything you put on your body.

I digressed ! I was also meaning to talk about the calming meditative healing that the process of sewing gave me in those dark days of heavy grieving. The chugging of the machine, the rhythm of the needle really truly pulls you into a meditation. It became a thing I used to make the days go by quicker and calmer. Making myself little outfits and little bras. Working out how to take something apart and put it back together. Or make a piece fit perfectly stretched my brain in ways that I’m so thankful for. The PROCESS of making was what created El Bras.

Being self taught means sometimes in my clothes making I can be a little un-orthadox. The (pocketed!) skirt I made this summer was a product of a lot of experimentation and guess work but we got there in the end. I found this picture of Devon Aoki in a Chanel two piece from S/S ‘99 and knew that I had to turn some of my great-grandma’s blue silk into a skirt for the series of weddings I had coming up.

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Here is the full lewk at my cousin’s wedding at the end of June. Me and Georgie (my beautiful gorgeous sister in law) were drunkenly convinced we could go viral on tik tok. Looking back on the message of the TikTok now, I don’t actually think it makes sense but we move. I don’t think TikTok is for me tbh - I’m much preferring this longer form. It feels like a more thoughtful way of connecting to people. More mindful and a bit more grown up haha. I’m wearing my skirt here with my star corset which I’ll be releasing this Autumn just in time for chrisssmisss !

Next week I promise i’m only going to write about glitz and glam and costumes NOTHING depressing. In particular the DIVA exhibition at the V&A.

I’ll also probably talk about my Cher costume because I’m going to a musical icons fancy dress party tomorrow and this is my inspo »

If anyone every wants to talk grief, and in particular loosing loved ones to suicide my inbox is always open <3

Also, off the top of my head books that have helped me through tough times

• Bessel van der Kolk ‘The Body Keeps The Score’

• Julia Samuels ‘Griefworks’

I’ll think of some more and post them next week <3

OK LOVE & STUFF 2 U

Thanks for reading my stream of consciousness, can’t believe it’s Thursday again and i’m still managing to write these every week after a month !

xxxxxxx